You’re not good enough
you don’t belong here
You’re useless
you’re exactly everything you fear
These four horsemen have endlessly haunted me
And brought their hundreds of cousins to the party
So comfortable rooting, rotting within my heart
These are lies, I know, or is it truth? I can’t tell them apart
In the heat of the fight, I can only hear screaming
Of these four and their hordes and their teeming
Shutting down, in silence, I end up hiding
Outwardly smiling, but inwardly dying
Where were you when no one was there?
Where were you when I could not bear?
When his anger loomed over my sweet little soul
When my loneliness echoed into a hopeless hole
The wounds that took root in my childhood
Follow me into life, are they here for good?
It’s said all wounds are transformed or transferred
Is it too late for my kids, for me to defer?
Like a jagged shard of glass sticking out of my back
I try to ignore it and try to give it some slack
I go through life, others bump it by mistake
And then I somehow blame them for all of my ache
How dare you, how could you, I say to them
You cut me with your poisonous venom
I live life always bleeding, with this glass stuck in my back
Not noticing the wounds of my loved ones, no, instead, I attack
Oh, the four horsemen, you have rooted deeply within me
Ever since I can remember, you’ve been my deity
I hate you so much for speaking a lie
Yet I love you so much for making me vie
This shard goes deeper into my distracted soul
Now these wounds drive me to achieve every goal
And yet success and millions and achievement and fame
Do nothing, my empty soul still untamed
But slowly and surely does my Shepherd call
He knows that His kids are prone to fall
I didn’t realize that there are others I can lean on
If we journey together, we’ve already won
And now I am all in on this great work
A soul unencumbered, that’s the main perk
The work is not linear or easy or steady
The work reveals I can be weak, distracted, and petty
It’s hard, the work, the four horsemen are tricky
They’re slick, deceitful, diverting, and sticky
They are experts at undermining the light
They won’t stop at anything to keep up the fight
After all, it’s these four horsemen that have kept me alive
When things felt dangerous, they taught me to dive
When things felt scary, they urged me to run
When things felt empty, I’d just get a lot done
They taught me to protect myself, to build a wall
So that 5-year-old me would be safe from the piercing words of all
Except I unknowingly built the wall through the middle of my heart
I cut myself off from me, from others, I could only fall apart
It’s hard for me to say I need
Sometimes I cover that up by saying I’ll lead
It’s hard for me to say this makes me mad
I’m good at glossing over it with how I’m glad
“You’re not good enough” begins to melt away
The volume is turned down, day by day
Another voice calls from the wild
You are my beloved, my precious child
“You don’t belong here” begins to sway
Slowly, a beautiful voice joins the fray
You are exactly, perfectly where you are supposed to be
Right now, right here, be yourself, be free
“You’re useless” tries to divert my attention
But the One who loves perfectly has planned an intervention
I am God’s workmanship created in advance
To do good works, time to join the dance
“You’re exactly everything you fear”
It’s right, almost, not quite, but near
You’re exactly everything you dreamed
Forgiven, beloved, and graciously redeemed
The great decoupling between identity and work has begun
Decades of destructive patterns are slowly undone
Compelled by His Strength, His Love, and His Grace
I work hard for my life to reflect His beautiful face
It’s not how much I can do for the King
It’s not how well my investments can bling
It’s not how many mountains I can climb
It’s not even how efficiently I can steward my time
As the truth sinks in that I am accepted,
I’m not alone, I am loved, it is decided
The journey continues until the day I die
What an adventure it is to be with the Most High
(audio recorded at CEF, July 2023)
For reflection: What are the four horsemen of your life? What are they saying to you every day, and how have you been able to quiet them down or not?