shared shards

aka, several reasons I almost didn’t start this writing project, and sometimes I’m still not sure.

1. When I come back to these writings 10 years from now, will I be cringing?
2. I’ve had these seasons where I spend hours and hours, and thousands of words, exploring a topic. I get so proud of my insight! And then, someone wise will come along and ask a simple question, and BOOM, the question completely shifts / nails / completes the topic right away.
3. So much of truth is framing the context correctly. It’s like looking at things from the right spot. It really isn’t possible to set up context because everyone has such different starting points.
4. What if people judge me? What if people hate and mock what I say? What if people love what I say? I still care too much what others think, so I shouldn’t feed that monster by attracting attention – positive or negative – through my writing.
5. There’s so much noise already online, it’s difficult not to be noise. What would make me so special not to be noise? There is nothing new under the sun.
6. A lot of my story involves the dearest people around me. They deserve respect and privacy, so sometimes I can’t say everything here, because my story is intimately interweaved with theirs. So why even say half of it?
7. Why am I really doing this? Is this a selfish, attention-grabbing, navel-gazing exercise?
8. Do you really want to read the thoughts of someone who just gave you 7 reasons not to?

Each of these is a “shadow” voice that’s really trying to protect 5-year-old me, who’s saying:

1. I don’t want to look dumb.
2. I don’t want to feel stupid
3. I’m scared I’m not good enough
4. I want people to like me.
5. I’m nothing special
6. I’m scared the people I love will get hurt
7. I might get in trouble
8. I’m nothing special.

But actually, in a way…

1. re: cringing in 10 years, I hope I will be cringing — that means I’m growing.
2. re: short wisdom ‘ruining’ long treatises, Thank you to that wise person who’s helping me get to the bottom of things faster. I just hope I can maintain enough curiosity to recognize the wisdom when it comes.
3. re: context and perspective – that is exactly the challenge. This is the fun part. How do I write in a way that covers the context enough to put the topic in the right place? Honestly, I’m just a little scared of number 4, the next one.
4. re: people will judge and hate — and some people will resonate. The only things worth writing about are the areas that are under-understood, misunderstood, controversial, and contrarian. So bring on the hatin’ and resonatin’
5. re: adding to the noise, I am attempting to make music, and will end up making noise. That’s okay, The more I try, the more I’ll get better at making music.
6. re: the privacy of my people. This one is indeed non-negotiable. Maybe some of the topics I think about writing – but never end up writing – end up being great topics for me to discuss with my people. That itself would be a great outcome of all of this.
7. re: It is selfish! I want to connect more with myself, with others, and with my faith. I, my, me. But it is also me selfishly wanting to help others who’re also on this journey. Selfish and selfless are closer cousins than most people realize.
8. I “disclaimer” myself too much because I’ve spent a lifetime trying not “to take up too much space.” (working on this one!) I say these phrases too much: “if you want” “if that works for you” “I don’t know anything about this, but…” “this may not make any sense, but…”

So, while this post is one big disclaimer, this website is one big claimer. I’ll be feeling this tension every time I hit ‘publish.’ I don’t hope you keep reading.