The first time I recognized the power of silence was during my first real business negotiation. I was 22, working at a big corporation, negotiating with a 40-year-old executive on a contract we were about to sign. He presented his offer. I was tongue-tied. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I froze.
So, I just stared at him.
After what seemed like an eternity (it was probably about 8-10 seconds), he relented and said, “Okay, fine, what if I also gave you this [].”
I continued to stare at him, sure that he could see right through me. He had to see how clueless I was, right?
After another 8-second eternity, he said, “wow, you are a good negotiator. Okay, what if we also did this…”
I eventually said something (I don’t remember). But I remember bringing the deal to my boss and he was amazed at the deal we got. And it was a while before he let me negotiate anything again.
A couple of decades later, I’m still all too familiar with the power of silence and how it often pushes me to dark places in relationships. As some have said, “the silence is deafening.” As we wait for a response in a conflict… as we wait for someone to make a decision, it’s silent. What do we do with that silence?
Well, I know what I do — I speculate. I guess. I judge. Maybe they haven’t said anything because [choose-your-own-adventure-story-here]. Very often, we fill in the silence with our worst fears and insecurities. We tell ourselves a story to try to make sense of the silence.
“They’re not getting back to me because they don’t like me”
“She must be finally just fed up with all of my #@^$&*, I’m never going to hear from her again”
“I bet he noticed how nervous I was and was laughing at me on the inside, but just didn’t show it.”
And then the silence can become a trigger, which can lead us down into all kinds of inner critic spiraling.
Here’s the hard irony about silence in relationships. The longer the silence goes, the more awkward it gets, and the harder it is for someone to break the silence. Yes, I have actually started a conversation like this: “So… this is awkward, but I wanted to ask you about something you said 3 weeks ago. We were talking about [x], and I heard you saying something like [x], Can I ask you more about what you meant by that?”
So many times, I was afraid to break the silence. To finally ask the question. But, so many times, when I did, the story wasn’t what I thought it was.
If I thought, “they’re not getting back to me because they don’t like me,” but the real answer was, “they really like me, but they were insecure about whether I wanted to keep talking.”
If I thought, “she must be finally just fed up with all of my #@^$&*, I’m never going to hear from her again”, but the real answer was, she enjoyed working with me, she just lost her aunt, then got sick, and had to step away.
If I thought, “I bet he noticed how nervous I was and was laughing at me on the inside, but just didn’t show it,” whereas he actually thought “I’d be honored to engage with you more!”
Now, of course, sometimes our made-up story is actually the hard truth. And our worst fears are confirmed. But as I have started practicing breaking the silence, I’ve found that 96.54 times out of 100 ;), it is better than I expected. And in fact, the other person appreciates me bringing it up. And when it is bad, at least it’s out in the open, and I don’t have to wonder anymore.
Breaking the silence is a small act of courage and vulnerability. Breaking the silence is to say that we care enough about the relationship to engage with it more. It becomes an opportunity to build more a trusting, real relationship — this is exactly what makes life fun and rich. I long for more.
I’m now paying more attention to the silence in my life. It beckons me to be vulnerable, curious, and courageous — and that is exactly the kind of person I want to be.
Here the two habits I’m starting: (1) Whenever possible, break the silence. Ask a question out of curiosity. (2) If there must be silence, don’t fill it with stories of my worst fears. Instead, fill it with stories of truth, which often times give the other — and myself — the benefit of the doubt.
What’s your relationship with silence?
“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.” -Apostle Paul (Philippians 4:6-8)
